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It's Hiring Season [11 Jul 2013|03:04pm]
I have recently allowed myself to openly admit what I've known for some time now. It's time for a change job-wise.

Today is my two year anniversary of me arriving to this job. I love this job on many levels: I'm happy with my compensation; I have four weeks of PTO per year; I have great hours (40 hour work weeks - never more); I have my own office with a door and a window that overlooks the Heathrow Country Club's Golf Course; I get bonuses and raises each year; I can listen to my pandora on my speakers of my desktop every day. This is my space. I love it. However, the truth is - the longer I stay here, the less marketable I'll be to be hired somewhere else. The reason why is because I work in such a specified area of accounting that once I leave - these accounting skills that I've been using won't translate to other normal corporate accounting jobs. And I don't believe this is where I'll be able to stay until the end of my career.

It all started when the Verizon headquarters moved to down the street. Literally, the address of my company's headquarters which I'm sitting at is 300 and the new building for Verizon is 1000. The building is super close to the Moe's that I frequent. Anyway, my coworker (who has been here for 8 or 9 years) has been telling me that I should get out now. She tells me that she wishes someone would have told her what she's telling me right now when she was only two years in. There's no room to move up in our department. My boss and my boss's boss are going to be here until the day they die (they are the only two positions above me - I oversee four staff that will never get promoted either because they don't have their CPA licenses). In fact, I was literally told - verbatim - that if I wanted my boss's job I'd have to, "carry her out on her chair". There's no misinterpreting that. So, naturally, I'm salivating for Verizon.

My coworker has been telling me this for some time now but I've been in denial. I love working in Heathrow - it's a great drive to work. That's only one of the reasons why Verizon would be amazing to work for. Another reason is that it would be a shift to the full range of corporate accounting. It would also look fantastic on my resume to work at the headquarters of Verizon. I'd happily give up my office for that.

I told a former colleague (and friend), Tom, that I was interested in moving down the street. Unbeknownst to me, he told another former colleague, Seksit, that I was looking. All three of us used to be auditors together at the same firm. When I left the firm, I came here. When Tom left - he became a senior accountant then moved up to be Controller at one of the places we used to audit together. (Fun fact: we'd both daydream of working at that audit client back in the day. Tom is now living the dream.) When Seksit left the firm, he went into another audit firm. He apparently loves his audit firm - and that is where he's trying to get me hired.

Auditing. I hated it on many levels back when I did it. Driving distances. Travelling tons. Lugging around everything you'd need for your office space (which is always onsite at the client). Sharing a conference room with your audit team (read: no privacy, no personal space - at all). Not to mention the stress - the hours worked during busy season - which was a minimum of 55 or 60 hours for 3 months of the year. Would I really want to go back? Well, contrary to my old firm, this firm would have me on only two out of town clients: one in Key West (where I'd stay on Duval Street during the audit) and one in Vegas. Ok, clearly, that's better. Also, it's only for a few weeks a year - as opposed to nearly 50% travel with my prior firm. Ok, good. There's no avoiding busy season or sharing a room with fellow auditors. But - this firm has it's perks. My desk (cubicle) that I would have would be downtown - overlooking Orange Avenue from the 8th floor - which I'd be there for somewhere between 1/3 and 1/2 the year. Waaaay better than my old firm. Also, the "slow season" for this firm is from September to December/January. We work half days every Friday. That's awesome. They don't work manadatory Saturdays during busy seaosn - thank god.  Also - and this is the most important part - I could be promoted to Audit Manager within two years. I'd be thirty as an Audit Manager. That would be incredible. Auditing is always highly regarded on any resume. It always looks good to have auditing on your resume - the more the better.

On some level I hate myself for leaving auditing. I was a senior when I left - and I'd be going back as a senior, too. My staff - Seksit - who is trying to get me hired again - is going to be promoted to senior. Meaning, he will be at my level. If I wait any longer - I could end up working FOR him. And to think of the fact that I may have been able to be an Audit Manager right now if I had not have left.... Well, I won't go there.

Will I go back to auditing? I don't know. I'm hoping for Verizon at this point yet I'm preparing myself for auditing just in case. We'll see if Verizon finds me to be qualified when I meet with them next week.

Anyway, this is what keeps me from sleeping at night. Thinking about what is a smart choice for my future versus what I find to be comfortable right now (this pay, these hours, this office, etc). I've always been so good at determining what is best for my future. I don't understand why I've been in denial for so long. How I've allowed myself to just get comfortable. It's time I let go, man up and get the fuck over it.

I know what's best for me and it's time for a change.
3 bitemarks| bite me

August = Back to School Zones [20 Aug 2012|10:23am]
Summer has passed - but being that I finished my masters 3 years ago - summers no longer mean anything to me - except the joy of not having to be slowed down by school zones on my way to work.

I'm so excited to see people actually posted in their livejournals! Awesome :) I love facebook & all - but it's so nice to read the thoughts and feelings of friends that I do not get the chance to speak with regularly.

Not a whole lot is happening with me, really. I've been living it up with the vacation this year. It is the first time in my life that I've been steadily using up my vacation for the year. I still have a 7 day cruise to look forward to - with a balcony no less - and a long weekend in NYC. I've also taken time off for Germany, France, Ireland and Siesta Key this year. I feel quite lucky to have be able to take these trips. The best part yet is that Kevin is ready to travel to Europe with me :) Kevin is usually a beach guy - so the switch to historic and beautiful cities in Europe is exciting!

So much is coming up - last weekend Kevin & I celebrated Kevin's birthday - which is actually on Wednesday this week. He turns 29 - the last year of his twenties. Next weekend in Leanne's bachelorette party - which Samantha & I have a room for downtown. I'm looking forward to a fun girl's night. Can't wait :) The weekend after that is Leanne's wedding - followed by Sam & Dustin's house warming party and Labor Day. Roughly a month after will be our second weddding anniversary. So much to look forward to :) I must remember to work out extra hard for all the goodies I've been consuming. I've cut back on drinking. And, unfortunately, my body seems to hate having drinks now. Kevin & I shared a bottle of wine last week - and I slept horribly afterwards. Wth is that about?

Alright, I must not forget I'm at work. Hope everyone is doing well :)

Peace & Love. <3
6 bitemarks| bite me

Euro Trip 2012 [13 Jun 2012|01:28pm]
[ mood | thankful ]

I finally made it to Europe... And visited Germany, France & Ireland.

I've been toying with the idea for years - but in May it became a reality. My friend Heather moved to Germany three years ago and has been telling me I should visit for the past three years. One Friday in early May, we made the definitive plans & within six hours I had my PTO approved and my plane ticket... To depart 2 weeks from that day. Crazy.

This post is for my reflection on the trip - as I'm pretty sure no one reads this anymore. So I'm going to sum up the different countries:

My time in Germany was amazing. I managed to make it to three wine fests during my stay. Since Heather lives in Germany - she picked me up from the airport, we spent days there together, took a day trip to Paris, spent more time in Germany, took a weekend trip to Alsace, France then we flew to Ireland and came back to Germany again for one last wine fest before leaving. So Germany was where I mainly stayed during my visit. Heather had me stay in her guest bedroom in her lovely 3 story German house. The first week it was just us (both our husbands were in the states - Kevin didn't come due to the fact that I have double the PTO that he does - and her husband was in the U.S. for work). We went to Trier (Germany's oldest city - which has awesome Roman ruins that I got to see), the Heidelberg castle, took a Rhine River afternoon cruise to see all the old castles, visited Frankenheim, etc. We had lots of wine and cheese... Stayed up late watching chick flicks - which Kevin doesn't watch with me. My family would always watch romantic comedies - and I never thought I was particularly into them but now I feel like it's nice to have a sweet movie with a happy ending to watch. Anyway, the wine fests were amazing. One of the ones I went to was to celebrate white asparagus. Seriously – whit asparagus. They celebrate everything. The wine fest was so cool because it was in the vineyards. Just walking around all day in the vineyards with your weinschorle (wine schorle – which is a .5 liter glass filled 2/3rds with wine and 1/3 with sparking water. Germans drink this at wine fests to be able to drink all day, stay hydrated and keep cool. They are delicious.). Every so often in the vineyards there would be food vendors and more vendors to buy wine from. Needless to say, downing .5 liter weinschorles made you have to need to pee. Yes, I totally peed in the vineyards. LOL :-x Oops. Bathrooms are interesting in Germany – and Europe for that matter – in that you have to pay to use public bathrooms. It does not cost more than 1 Euro but still. You carry a little “Charmin on the go” roll with you everywhere you go. They even sell these in America, too. Check the travel section. :) Also – most places do not have A/C – the summer doesn’t last long enough to warrant A/C. The air was crisp and cool the whole time I was there – my hotels in both France and Ireland did not have A/C – but they had windows that opened. Oddly, there are no screens anywhere in Europe that I saw. There seem to not be many bugs, though – Or at least during May there aren’t. Interesting fact: I stayed in Kaiserslautern. The week before I got to Germany, they found a bomb from WWII that had not detonated yet in Kaiserslautern while doing construction. So that means a live bomb has been sitting there for decades. Apparently this happens a lot in Germany – so crazy to think about.

France: I took a day trip to Paris. I was outside the Louvre and Notre Dam... But I did not have a chance to go inside because my tour took up so much time. My tour included an air conditioned double decker bus, lunch at in the Eiffel Tower and a Seine River cruise tour. Paris was lovely. All the food I had was delicious... Although I couldn't eat like that for long without gaining some serious weight. Paul came home about a week into my trip - and the three of us went to Alsace for the weekend. We were in Riquewihr (a wine village that we did a bunch of tastings in) then we went to Strasbourg. Holy hell. The food was soooo good. There's a pastry shop that I literally had 4 pastries from... In one day. Their éclairs are filled with chocolate instead of custard - which I had to have. I thought it would be awful but it is infinitely better. Like a chocolate pudding inside or something absolutely delicious. I love the architecture in France. A French guy told me that France has more beautiful old buildings than Germany since Germany was heavily bombed in WWII. I believe that. Driving around Germany – there are places that look crazy old and then other places that are quite new looking. I’m a geek for history… France, specifically Paris was super interesting. Back in high school, I had the best European history teacher ever (Mr. Pritchard) . In fact, I took AP European history with him – and because of him Paris was a gold mine to me – just full of historic places to see and visit. I really, really want to go back to visit the Palace of Versailles (12 miles from Paris) since I didn’t see it. Luckily for me, Kevin wants to do this… So this will hopefully happen soon. :)

Ireland: Heather & I stayed in Dublin while in Ireland – right off of Temple Bar (huge party area). We took two day trips – one to Cork (12 hour tour) and one to the Cliffs of Moher (14 hour tour). The other two days we were there – we did some on foot sightseeing. We saw the Guinness brewery on our first day and did an Irish music pub crawl that evening. We were tipsy probably the entire time we were there. We also saw Trinity college – which was awesome. The people in Ireland are SO damn nice. It’s incredible. When we told our husbands how nice everyone was – they both said, “Of course everyone is nice to you! You’re two cute girls running around the city!”. We legitimately thought everyone was nice, though. The only downside to Ireland was that one of my most anticipated parts of our visit, the Cliffs of Moher, were not viewable due to the heavy fog. Fail. We were standing there – and literally you could not see 20 feet in front of you. We made the best of it – laughing out asses off and taking photos while pointing at the fog as though we could actually see the cliffs. Heather has a great sense of humor, good energy and all around is a ball of optimism. I nicknamed her “Happy Heather” because of her good energy (which is a play on “Negative Nancy” or “Debbie Downer”). No matter what the situation – she makes the best of it. It’s so refreshing to be around & I love her for it. While in Dublin, we actually met up with some of my friends from Orlando as well – who just happened to be backpacking through Dublin at the same time we were there. We had dinner and went to Temple Bar – it was a really good time.

People ask me which country I liked the best… I honestly cannot answer that. Each country is cool for a different reason. It’s like asking me what my favorite band/artist is – well, that depends on my mood. :) I want to say Germany but I think it’s because of Heather. To be truthful, the thing I miss most about my trip (aside from drinking at 11am & that being totally acceptable) – is Heather. I was totally devastated when she left for Germany three years ago… And now I feel like she moved all over again: a painfully fresh void that was just filled perfectly. Most of my friends from Orlando have moved away – I only have a few remaining - and I don’t see them often either. It was so nice to hang out at her house in the evenings, drink wine, have caprese salads and watch chick flicks – and not even finish them because we keep pausing the movie to laugh and talk our heads off. I miss having this kind of relationship. Once people are married – it’s usually double dates and that’s awesome – I love that, too. But I miss having girl time. I do meet new friends in my zumba and yoga classes – but none of them click like Heather & I do. Hopefully one day we’ll live nearby again.

I took a super long lunch to write this. Back to work I go. Peace & Love!

2 bitemarks| bite me

A Happy Anniversary, indeed :) [03 Oct 2011|01:02pm]
[ mood | content ]

A lot has happened since I last posted. For starters, I got a new job that I love. This is reason for a yearlong celebration. No matter how stressful or bad a day gets – I always can smile and say, “At least I’m not an auditor”. I messaged my favorite ex-coworker this “Every day I wake up and I’m not an auditor is a good day”. It’s true  I’m no longer an auditor… Now I’m an accounting consultant. And I have my own office… with a door that I love to shut … And a window that overlooks the Heathrow Country Club’s golf course. Nothing to complain about here 

Today is Monday and marks the end of the weekend – I had a fantastic weekend that just passed – soon to be followed up by another fantastic weekend.

This past weekend was my mom’s “Anniversary Party” for Kevin & I. This is how it started: a year ago, when we got back to the states, my mom wanted to do an “American reception” for all the friends and family to attend that couldn’t make it to Jamaica. The idea was primarily for my grandmother, who was upset about not being there. She wanted a big wedding…. She also thinks a big wedding would cost (from start to finish) $2,000. Yeah, right. Anyway, the reception idea kept getting pushed back and pushed away because I didn’t want to – nor did Kevin. Eventually, nearly a year had passed when my mom decided she would make the reception an “anniversary party”. I figured I’d stop resisting for the following reason: it broke my mother’s heart that I did not have a big wedding. I have no apologies for the way I did my wedding – it turned out exactly as Kevin & I had hoped. Yes, I wish more people could have shared the day with us… But having a big wedding was not something that Kevin & I felt comfortable with. I felt bad that it broke my mom’s heart – but I wasn’t about to alter the way I wanted our wedding to be so that it would make my mom happy. Instead, a year later, I decided to succumb to my mom’s wants on this party. She loved doing it – planning out the food, cake and decorations. Clearly, my mom & I are cut from different fabric. Planning an event sounds like a pain in the ass. More power to those of you who love doing it – but that is not me.

The party was small – 12 people total – and included my immediate family (mom, dad and brother), Kevin’s immediate family (mom, dad and sister) and two couple friends (Sam & Dustin and Danielle & John). I was nervous about a couple of things – such as my mom trying to make this a formal event and also me not really knowing how our families would mix together. This was the first time my whole immediate family and Kevin’s whole immediate family had been together. It was the first time my brother met his sister. As it turns out, I think the mixture of people did jibe… And the set up was gorgeous. It was really classy. There was a cake table for our two tiered vegan cake from Raphsodic Bakery (a rosewater icing and lemon cake mixture to pay homage to the Persian rosewater lemonade drink); there was a table for the hor’dourves and entrees; a table for Kevin’s family and my family to sit at; and a table for Kevin & I and our friends to sit at. The decorations were awesome – my mom got purple orchids to match my wedding bouqet and had table cloths over all of the tables. All of this was held on my parent’s back porch – a porch with a gigantic swimming pool and a jacuzzi over overflowing into the swimming pool, both lit up in different colors. My mom had arranged for the loveseat swing to have Christmas lights covering it – along with some sort of material that resembled a bride’s veil. There were little candles lining the screened enclosure of the patio – little candles on each step leading up to the jacuzzi. It was lovely and more than I ever expected. My mom had spared me the details of the decorations in order to keep it a surprise.
During dinner, Kevin later told me, that he said he actually thought, “Man, I wish we could do this more often”. This is so sweet especially considering when we met he believed himself to have social anxiety disorder and despised attending parties with a passion. I loved our guests – both couples drove over an hour to be with us in Orlando. I wish I could round them up more often… I’m definitely thinking about doing dinner parties at our house in the future. The party begun at 6:30/7pm …And the sun was setting at 7:15. Thus, we ate dinner by the candlelight… It really was perfect. I enjoyed the company of our guests and the music selection that I had told my brother to DJ – including songs that were played at our wedding and Van Morrison’s “Moondance” – which is Kevin & I’s song… I think we have about 15 songs, though. My mom, who originally was going to cater the event, made everything herself – vegetarian lasagna, a delicious chicken, broccoli and curry casserole (from weight watchers I believe…. It is really good) and she made two Persian dishes along with brown and white rice. She had enough pre-dinner bites to feed the U.S. Army, too – ranging from grape leaves and tabbouleh to chips and dips. Factor in all this deliciousness along with some wine, spirits and plenty of champagne… We ended up talking around our candlelit table until nearly 1am. Our candles literally were burning themselves out by the time we realized what hour it was. I was super stuffed and so content with the evening. I ended up leaving my parent’s house around 1:30am.

I’m so glad I gave in to the party. It gave us a chance to drink from our “Bride” and “Groom” champagne flutes, use our engraved cake cutter set from Things Remembered (which my mom spent $120 for AFTER we were married – so this was our chance to finally use them!) and cake topper (which toppled off the cake… And my poor little plastic groom lost his head. My dad glued it back on though! Lol). My mom asked me to wear my tiara again…. Which I did. I felt a little silly at first but now I think it’s kind of cool. It glad me the chance to wear it again. I bought a dress a Macy’s – which was originally for going out to dinner with Kevin for our anniversary – but the dress went perfectly with the event. It was a lovely little white dress with a black ribbon wrapped around my rib cage. I made sure the cake matched  I only wish I had take more pictures…
I’m looking forward to next weekend. Kevin & I will read each other’s journals (given to us by my mom on our wedding day – to record the memories of our honeymoon so we could read each other’s thoughts on our first anniversary) and we will eat the top tier of our wedding cake 

Cheers to great times shared with great people! <3 I apologize if you’re reading this and were not there… I wish you could have been. It was my mom’s party at her personal residence – as such, the guest list was her choice. I wish more people could have been there to share in the fun but I guess that just means we’ll have to have more parties in the future to make up for it… ;)
Peace & Love.

1 bitemark| bite me

Summer time, when the livins easy... [12 Apr 2011|12:29pm]
Busy season is over. I survived! Now I need one serious vacation. I have little trips planned: a trip to Tampa for my adorable friend's birthday ;), St. Pete for a beach weekend, Siesta for a lovefest weekend, 5 days of the Bahamas with the hubby and a weekend in New York which I'm so stoked about that I cannot shut up. It will be my first trip to New York - I'm making the trip with an old friend (who also used to be an old travel buddy) and I'm going to see one of my favorite bands. It's going to be all sorts of awesome packed.

I'm excited that busy season always ends right before my birthday. We work mandatory Saturdays until April... The first weekend in April is my first Saturday off of the year. I made the most out of it this year by getting acupuncture done, a massage, facial & pedicure on that first free Saturday of mine. Even though pedicure was mediocre, I (absolutely) hate facials and the massage therapist was fucked up & telling me all of her problems (which made this session feel like work instead of relaxation - trying to assure her that she would find a man...) it was still better than sitting at work - right across from the people I see way to much of during the week, let alone the weekends.

I was surprised by all the birthday free-bees that I received this year: a free dinner at Texas de Brazil, a free dinner at Sweet Tomatoes, a free pearl bracelet from Helzberg Diamonds, a free yoga class from Red Sun Yoga (my favorite free-bee) and a free small item from Jeremiah's. Faaaahhck yes! I used all of them :)

Now that busy season is over, things have slowed down a bit. Unfortunately, my favorite co-worker at the firm put in his resignation. Which means I'm now being promoted to his job. This is not exactly exciting to me for a few reasons. I'll name them: 1) There is much increased liability and responsibility in this job title with no corresponding increase in salary. 2) The partners will yell at me & not my staff if something goes wrong... So increased stress for sure and 3) I will have no one to ask for guidance... I will be the voice of guidance. The bright side of this deal: I get to put "Senior audit staff" on my resume (finally) after over a year of doing senior duties (in both audit testing as well as training the staff). To be honest, I've been looking for a new job for a few weeks now. I would love a change of pace - less driving, less overnight travel - less fucking hours being away from my house. I'm a workaholic, no doubt... But weekend working BLOWS when you already work 8am to 8pm Monday through Friday. I'm ready for my own space. I'm ready to stop being an office nomad - carrying anything and everything I might need with me. Don't get me wrong, I love many aspects of my job. I love the opportunities it has afforded me (buying a new car and house without cosigners - and re-roofing my house, etc)... But I think I'm ready to move on. The hard part is - finding a job that would put my masters & my CPA license to work. I need a hook up somewhere.... So....

Anyone know of a company looking for an adorable little hard working red head who has her masters in accounting and her CPA license in hand? Let me know :D

My lunch break is just about over so I'll sign off with a - WELCOME BACK LJ FRIENDS! I've noticed that some people are writing again who haven't been writing in some time. :) Glad to see you/read your posts!

Peace & Love.
1 bitemark| bite me

Hello, 2011 [19 Jan 2011|01:00pm]
A new year has started; a new busy season has begun.

I bid 2010 adieu thoughtfully –with happiness over the accomplishments and celebrations that were had. It was “The Year of Pieces of Paper” for me. Three pieces of paper that changed my life beginning with the purchase of my first brand new car (which is paid off – hence, the first piece of paper) in February, followed by my marriage certificate in October (my Jamaican marriage certificate! lol) and finally my CPA license in December (I made it!! I passed it before 2011!!). True, I haven’t received the actually paper license in the mail just yet – I am a CPA regardless :) 2010 was an eventful year indeed. I spent pretty much the entire year working 6 or 7 days a week… But it paid off. I’m happy with the results and I have no regrets.

Honestly, I’m looking forward to some down time. Right now I’m amidst busy season – working six days a week – so I’m looking forward to April, when it ends. It sounds like so far away but it flies by. January is already close to being over – well, at least 2/3rds done with anyway. If only I didn’t start out the new year being sick. Literally, I was coughing up a storm on New Year’s Eve, unfortunately. I was out of the gym for just a week & a half but all the holiday goodies made me feel like I had been away from the gym for months. After just a week of being back at the gym – I had zumba-ed, ran, gone close to 100 flights of stairs in one visit… That on my week anniversary of being back to the gym, I decided it was a grand idea for me to jog 5 miles. I don’t usually jog 5 miles. I should have known I was pushing it but… Damn, I was jogging laps comfortably at 6.4 mph. That was such a ego boost for me – I was feeling great, I wanted to ride that wave… And I fucking did. I rode the wave right back to being miserably sick again. I actually missed this past Monday since I was so incredibly sick. I still don’t know if I was still kind of sick – where the remnants of the old cold came back into full force again (and with a vengeance) – or if I came across another different bug. Either way, it fucking blew. As much as it is going to kill me – I’m going to stay away from the gym for 2 weeks or so (but I will do light yoga at the house :D). I do not want to be sick anymore. I feel like it is never going to end.

In not-so-great other news, my left eye is softly twitching again. This happened last busy season and persisted through April. Stress? Maybe. Staring at a computer screen for 60 hours a week? Maybe. Losing my fucking mind? Maybe. One thing is for sure, it drives me fucking nuts when it happens. I have no control over it & I hate it.

Kevin is finishing up his final semester of school. I can’t wait for us to have the same schedule. A Monday through Friday schedule – where we get out at a decent hour and get to watch movies at home together any evening of the week that we’d like. Of course, as long as I’m an auditor I’ll have my Saturdays to work from January through the end of March but whatever. This time seems like it will never come – we’ve both been waiting for forever. Me to get done with my CPA license, him with school… I’m also aware of what will be happening almost most definitely with my job. My favorite person is leaving… And if (when) he leaves – I’m going to take over his position. It would be a “promotion”… One that I don’t believe I’m ready for just yet. I’m scared to have his position – even more responsibility and liability. I’m dreading it but I know it is inevitable. The job position has infinitely more stress than I have now… That is a jaw dropper. I’m just mentally preparing myself for this – that is really all I can do at this time. Well, that & hoping that this person doesn’t find another job- but that is just cruel.

Being that my glorious lunch break has ended, I will sum up all my thoughts with a few words:

Happy for the events of the past and optimistic for the events of the future.

Happy New Year’s, 2011 :)
2 bitemarks| bite me

Two thousand ten... Going, going... ((gone)) [25 Nov 2010|12:50am]
[ mood | calm ]

I went to bed with Kevin around midnight. I laid in bed for a few minutes before realizing - there is just no way I'm going to fall asleep right now. I crept out of the room and across the house to the office. Here, I'm in the company of good insomnia friends: books, computers and internet... Oh my!

You would think that I would be wiped out after driving two hours back from Tampa in the Thanksgiving traffic this afternoon.... Directly after taking a (very stressful) four hour CPA exam in Tampa. But, no, I'm not. I hope this insomnia doesn't become a part of my every day life... I've been getting the worst sleep lately. I had hoped it had something to do with the CPA exam - but yet tonight I cannot find the desire to sleep.

A lot has happened since I last posted.... For one, I'm now a married woman. Our wedding in Jamaica on 10-10-10 was absolutely beautiful. I honestly would not have changed a single thing. When I think about it - I'm still amazed by how smoothly everything went and how perfect everything turned out. I wish I would have posted an entry about it when I got back into the States ...but instead I was studying for the final part of my CPA exam (which I took today - or yesterday, technically, seeing as it is past midnight). Luckily, on our wedding day, my mom gave us both journals to write in during the honeymoon to track our memories. I don't know where she got the idea but I love it. We both received a journal to log the happenings & emotions of our honeymoon & we are not to read each other's journals until our first anniversary. What a thoughtful gift :)

I was thinking the other day - so, so much has happened in the past year and a half. A few highlights:

-Graduating with my Masters last Summer

-Got my "big kid" job using my Masters in Fall. A career is launched! :)

-Bought my house in Fall (with no co-signers!!)

-Bought my first brand new car in Spring of 2010 (with no co-signers!! AND it is paid off!!)

-Took all four part of the CPA exam (currently have 3 passed. I have to wait to hear back from CPA examination services until the end of December for the results of the fourth)

-Got married <3

-Kevin moved in (never really lived with a guy that I wasn't related to before)... And this also means I lived alone for a year, too. Which was pretty nice - a great detox after living with my wonderful but crazy family for so long.

It has been a wonderfully eventful past year and a half. 2010 has been like 14 years of work into one. From January through the end of March I worked six days a week... Then from May 3rd to the end of August I studied (and worked, too) seven days a week - with no breaks or days off. Then from October through November I studied and worked seven days a week (with the exception of my honeymoon for 10 days) for the CPA exam to get my state license.

This is to say - I have spent 7 months of this year sitting behind my laptop 7 days a week - and another 3 months of this year sitting behind my laptop for 6 days a week. Only 2 months of this year did I only work on my laptop 5 days a week. I'm hoping I will have passed the fourth part of the CPA exam - to put an end to all this ridiculousness. I'm ready to rebuild my social life. I'm ready to remember what it feels like to have time for me again... I have books & books that I have planned to read but never had the time to read them. I also have many gym classes that I'm dying to go to that I finally will be able to catch... And renovations to the house I'd like to tend to. So many things to look forward to :)

Alright, I'm signing off with a hopeful dream & pleasant thoughts.

Wishing you all have a very happy Thanksgiving :)

5 bitemarks| bite me

Siesta Key bliss (round two) [09 Sep 2010|08:28pm]
[ mood | grateful ]

Kevin & I made our second trip to Siesta Key last weekend (Labor Day weekend = paid holiday for the both of us, plus a free day from class for Kevin). It was just as marvelous as it was the first time around. We made it to our favorite little tea house (Tastefully British), celebrated our 3rd anniversary with the tradition of eating at Ruth's Chris (in Sarasota) and made sure to go to both Sun Garden Cafe and SunniBunni twice.

Siesta Key is a magical place for Kevin & I. Both time we've gone we have come back longing for each other's presence so strongly that the separation seems painful. Maybe it's the long walks on the beach at night or snuggling up in the hotel room with the A/C on 68 degrees or the fact that everything we come across on these trips never ceases to impress us. This time we stayed at Hotel Indigo - a lovely little place that is all about being environmentally friendly ... And is just awesome. They have their own little bar/lounge/restaurant. It's so charming - and surprising, given that the hotel really isn't that big.

In other news, I have taken all four parts of the CPA exam. I have received my results from 3 of the 4 - all the results so far were passing. The fourth exam, however, I have not heard back from yet and I am so fucking nervous. This is the part I studied the most for, by far. And yet, the part that I really feel I didn't do well on. In fact, after I type this up, I plan on hitting the books. I'm fearful that I failed it. What sucks is that I only have one more shot at taking this exam this year. On January 1, 2011 - the exam changes. Not only will IFRS (International Financial Reporting Standards) be added to it but the format of the exam will change, too. So, this means, if I fail this exam - I'll have to come back after my honeymoon - during the second busiest part of the year for work - and try to re-take the exam to pass. The chances of that are slim because my job devours my life. Not only do I work too fucking much but I have an hour drive home from just about all my clients. Which leaves very little time to come home and study. I'm so scared. I'm mainly scared because I studied so much. Part of me thinks I really did give it my all - and I don't know what else to do. I ran out of time on the exam. I didn't finish. When I think about it - my guts churn. I would give anything to find out I passed it. Le sigh.

In other-other news, Kevin is moving in this weekend. It's super nice that he's moving in the weekend after Siesta. We're both a bit recharged from our weekend getaway & missing each other so much. It will be nice when he moves in because we so rarely see each other now - with him working full time and being a full time student and with me working as much/driving as much as I do (and studying if I fail the 4th part of the exam). I'm also scared because I've only ever lived with my family. I don't know how someone is going to like living with me who hasn't been raised in the same environment as me. I hope I'm not unbearable. Living alone this past year has been awesome. The house is quiet when I want it to be - when I want to play my music I do so without complaint... And if I feel like busting out dancing & singing, I have no shame to do so. Not that I think Kevin will complain about my music but I won't think it's fair to play whatever I want... Especially being that his favorite band happens to be my least favorite. Aside from the one band, we have near identical tastes in music, though I tease him a lot about things.

Yes, so that must mean the wedding is fast approaching. So much to look forward to :) I still need to buy some awesome shoes for my wedding dress.... :)

Yikes, just saw my credit card transactions for the month. Ouch. I had a bit of a shopping spree this past weekend. I never find good business shirts for petite women EVER. And this weekend, I found them all over the place. They were all good deals, too so - I had to take advantage. I'm so excited to have some nicer business shirts. On a side note, wherever I go - I'm a size 0 or an x-small. What does this mean? Well, it means that all of America must be obese by now because I certainly would never envision myself as a size 0 or a size x-small. Wtf, America? The only purchase I made for myself this weekend non-shirt related is a tiny pure sterling hand carved toe ring from Siesta. My last trip to Siesta, I bought earrings for myself as a souvenir. This time, I have a lovely little toe ring bought from an independent shop owned by the man who etched the carvings himself. It's so pretty. Something to stare at when I do yoga, though I admit it has been a while since I've attended a class... I still do some yoga poses in the house :)

...I wear my little toe ring always. At work, underneath my stifling (but stylish) suits and closed toed shoes, I sport my Siesta toe ring. I feel as though a man who fancies wearing ladies panties must feel - I walk around with the silent pleasure of knowing I'm wearing something beneath it all that no one can see: a little piece of me (my style) beneath the business ...a magical token from Siesta.

Peace & Love.

1 bitemark| bite me

Bored out of my skull. [16 Feb 2010|11:06am]
[ mood | exhausted ]

I'm so bored at work I can hardly keep awake. It's very rare for me to be bored on my job. I'm so used to feeling overwhelmed by the heaping pile of shit I have to do - it's such an odd feeling to be bored.

I also have a suggestion that I could never tell anyone in my firm - you can make a person work a steady 60 hours a week for months on end, but the reality of it is that your brain only functions productively for maybe 50 or so hours a week. Not getting enough sleep, not having much time to do anything but the necessities daily and working every fucking day of the week but Sunday makes you more or less (a little more than less) a complete fucking zombie. I'm here. I'm at work but sometimes I do the zombie glare... Because I am fucking tired and worn out on this schedule. Kevin asks me if I'm happy with my job - I am. This is still 1,000 times better than other auditing jobs... But that it just the thing, this is my profession I have chosen for myself. "Busy season" is mandatory. That is just how it is. There is no getting around it - you just have to get over it.

I feel like things in my life have come very easy to me but at the same time I feel like the stress is aging me quickly. What I mean by that comment is - I've always worked extreme hours to get the grades I did, I had multiple jobs at once while being a full time student so ... It's shitty but I'm not missing my social life because I'm used to this aspect of not having time for anyone. So I have not had trouble adjusting. But this stress is catching up with me. My eyes have trouble focusing sometimes because I'm staring at these fucking screens for 11 hours a day, six days a week. But at the same time, I've bought a house, I'm about to buy a brand new car (and it will be completely paid off when I drive it off the lot)... So, I don't feel sorry for myself. I guess I just want to vent.

I miss so many people. I only keep in touch via phone calls anymore. I see Kevin only because he's got keys to my house & he's waiting for me when I get home. Otherwise, I wouldn't be able to see him either.

All I can say is - I can't wait for April.... Does anyone have some open weekends in April? Let's make plans to do something terribly dangerous & fun. I need it.

7 bitemarks| bite me

Down by the Seaside (National Bank & Trust) [28 Dec 2009|12:26pm]
So I always bring my lunch - I get to eat lunch by myself & have some stressless peace & quiet/some reflection time. Also - some facebook time. Well, the client I'm working at today has FB blocked. So... LIVEJOURNAL IT IS :)

I've been thinking about how I've been wanting to update this thing recently anyhow. This gives me the time to do so!

Christmas just passed. I had one of the best holidays that I've had in a while. My mom, uncle, and g-ma went over to Kevin's parent's house to meet their whole family (FOR THE FIRST TIME) along with his uncle and aunt. It was awesome. I realized I really like hanging out around his family. I don't know if it used to be that way but it definitely is now. I also realize how much I really appreciate holidays that cherish your family time now that I have moved out.

My house is going awesomely well (I absolutely love my neighbors - I actually hang out with them). I got some susie-homemaker stuff for christmas which is totally alright with me. A ceramic teapot, cast iron teapot, coffee maker, ipod alarm clock (much, much needed), ipod player for the shower (awesome), coach bag, teas, chopping board, knives, external hard drive, awesome new perfume (I picked it out a long time ago & Kevin bought me the gift set of it), a new beautiful Buddha to add to my collection and some other really neat stuff. I thought the most thoughtful gift was from my mom - who put together a photo album of my entire relationship with Kevin - from the first two months to this thanksgiving. Pictures from halloweens, pictures from my masters graduation, pictures from our famous monthaversaries and pictures from me being fresh out of the hospital (twice over). I thought that was super awesome & a might time consuming thing to do. My relationship with my entire family has gotten much, much better & stronger since I have moved out. I still go over to their house to eat dinner a couple of times a week. It's nice. I still feel like I belong there since nothing has really changed there. My dad & brother are currently overseas. I hope they come back & are ok. There are protests going on right now.

Hooray for a (hopefully) 3 1/2 day work week. I say hopefully because that is what last week was supposed to look like but I ended up working until 5pm on Christmas eve. LAME. I got so upset over the whole day that I cried a little on the way home - blame it on the hormones, that is what I do. And my stressful job. It's like I'm just supposed to know what to do. Anyone that can show me what to do is so stressed over whatever else that they just tell me to "figure it out". Well, as it turns out - I fucked up a test that I spent two whole days on. So... That is cool. Way to go, guys. Maybe when I asked questions next time - you might actually think about answering me.

Things with Kevin are awesome. He's spending more time at my house. To date, no one has been to my house except for my immediate family, my uncle & g-ma & Kevin. Why? I work (what feels like) 110 hours a week. In reality I work like 50 hours a week plus drive time (another 10 hours a week depending on the client). Fun stuff.

This weekend I actually just relaxed for a bit. Having the three day weekend allowed me to do so. I miss just hanging out, laying in my bed - relaxing, reading, whatever. I miss grad school - when I thought I was too busy for things (ha). Granted I was busy - but not like this. I feel like my job owns me right now. Starting in Jan - March I will be working mandatory Saturdays. Fuck. Me. I'm so not looking forward to this. Basically, my one day to myself will be spent going grocery shopping & doing laundry. And they wonder why this profession burns people out after a couple of years. Ha.

I saw Avatar with Kevin & his friends on Saturday. IMAX + 3D = Awesome. I really didn't think I'd like it but - I really, really did. James Cameron = genius. It has a message that I am seeing become more and more common. I just hope people get it. As for me, I have a new found respect for James Cameron.

For everyone who is experiencing something they call "winter break" - I hate you. I'm so jealous. I miss school - where I had summer, spring and winter breaks - and when I had the time to go to the post office (which is virtually impossible now). Don't get me wrong, I love my job - it's a good job - but it's just draining me right now. The worst part, though, it's just around the corner.

I don't want the holidays to end :( I don't want busy season to commence :( I miss everyone dearly.
2 bitemarks| bite me

October winds [23 Oct 2009|11:46am]
I'm on my lunch break. TGIF to the max.

Some cool things have been happening... They are little but still. For starters, last weekend when I was out with Sam, I ran into a sensei of mine (I guess I technically have two - I ran into the one that I don't see too often). It was really great to see him. I miss martial arts so very much. Every time I think about it - I feel terribly guilty to have taken the hiatus that I have. My life is just too busy right now with my new job & new house that I couldn't go even if I wanted to... Though, I do want to. But at the same time - I have issues with getting hit by some of the guys in areas that aren't cool to hit. This is one of the initial reasons for my absence.

Regardless, when I ran into my sensei - it was awesome. He asked me how I was doing. I gave him a brief summary: I graduated with my masters, I got a great job, I bought a house all by myself and I'm engaged... I wasn't bragging... Just a lot has happened. But what felt really good about it is that - I know it will find it's way back to my ex, who still keeps in touch with the whole gang. Is it wrong for me to be happy & proud of what I've accomplished for myself and like for him to know about it? I don't know. I really don't give a flying fuck about him... But yet, I want him to hear about how well I'm doing.

Last night was pretty great, too. My audit firm hosted an event at UCF with the Student Accounting Society & Beta Alpha Psi (the honors accounting fraternity that I am an alumni member of). Though I didn't recognize any of my fellow classmates from grad school - just being there reminded me of how lucky I am to have the job that I do. I saw the nervousness on the student's faces when they spoke with me... And I remember being there. Also, I thought of how fricking awesome it is that I will never do inventory since I work in the banking industry. I remember hearing horror stories from other auditors who did inventory at 10pm on Christmas eve in the dark for their job. So glad that I only audit banks - so I don't stay too late and I even get off for bank holidays. I just need to remind myself when I get frustrated just how bad it could be.

The house deal is going great. Both it's home & termite inspection went well - as did it's appraisal. I'm hoping to get the keys before the end of the month... It excites me beyond anything else I can describe. I so badly need my own space. My co-worker is going to give me her cleaning supplies since she is moving to Germany (her husband got a job there since he is in the army). I thought that was awesome because ...well, I don't have anything like that. I'm going to get Kevin's plates, vacuum, towels and I bought silverware but... I really have nothing. So cleaning supplies will be great :)

I'm going to be so sad to see my co-worker go. She's only a year older than me... And we are so alike. I think she is someone I could really get along with on a personal level. Figures that she would move. :( It's hard having friends that live long distances away or having friends with total different schedules than you do. Also, from a work perspective, she has been on every job that I have been on since I started. She helps me with any questions I have or whatever. She's just a ball of positive energy. Always happy, always smiling. She loves her husband so much & speaks so highly about him that... I don't know, it makes me miss Kevin even more. It's like her good energy rubs off on me. I wish more people were like her. Because, just like you get into bad moods when you hang out with negative people - you are impacted by the moods/personalities of those around you. I know we'll keep in touch via facebook but I wish I could have a friend in town with the same hours as I have. I'm afraid I might get a little lonely living alone... Ha, yeah right ;)

Speaking of that, my dad wants me to get married earlier. Kevin promised my dad he would not marry me until he graduated - tentatively, we had planned for October 2010. But, as it turns out, the earliest Kevin could graduate would be Spring 2011. So, since I want to get married in October, the wedding would then be in October 2011. This is the puzzling part. My dad wants me to get married sooner.... At first I thought it was because he was fearful of me living on my own (for safety purposes) but now I don't know. He started giving me this crap about how I might not be able to live with anyone ever again if I live by myself. Hm. He said I'm too selfish that if I get my own space I may never want to give it up. Really? What an asshole. To be expected, of course. I responded to this "Didn't you live on your own for years before you got married?". His response, "Yeah, but I'm less selfish than you". My response? Hysterical laughing until he stopped trying to talk to me. I kept saying, "Oh! That was a good one! You almost had me going for a moment there!". Dick. Though I was laughing, I didn't let him know just how much he had pissed me off. I told Kevin about it - and he responded with "Well, he doesn't know you". That is true. He has never tried to get to know me either. Just another reminder why my dad is such as asshole/why we don't get along. He's a sexist & I'm a feminist. They don't mix well. That is just how it goes. He was such a jerk when I told him about my contract being accepted on the house. To the (several) negative responses he said - I replied "You can't ruin this for me". And with that, I turned & left.

I can't wait to get away from them. I think my attitude would be better if I wasn't constantly taking in their negativity all the time.

Halloween is coming! Kevin & I are going to be hippies. I thought about being John & Yoko... But it won't happen I don't think. Kevin says I'm too pretty to be Yoko. lol Whatever.

Happy Fall to everyone <3 Peace & Love.
2 bitemarks| bite me

Smile like you mean it [09 Oct 2009|11:38pm]
[ mood | ecstatic ]

Just over a week ago I went to the Killers show with Kevin and his buddies. It was a triple date (three couples, his best friend & girlfriend - and their little siblings who are also dating. Crazy) I totally ragged on Kevin for liking them because there have been bands I love & played for him - only to invoke the "eh, they're alright I guess" response. So I did the same to him on this band. Well, Kevin made me an album to better acquaint myself with their songs so I would recognize them at the show. At first I wasn't into it but now I can't stop listening to the damn cd. It's a cd of different songs from different albums but I think I like the first two far more than the last album.

So- update on my life.... I have been with Hacker on four different clients now. Three of the four have been over an hour drive away - which kinda sucks but can be cool at times. Next week I'll be living in a hotel room because I can't stand driving an hour and a half to & from work. It's exhausting. Also, they aren't too keen on giving you any time for personal matters. My senior on the job told me I couldn't leave an hour early to look at houses... and when I've been working like 50 hour work weeks - driving all over the place & such... It would only leave me the weekends to find a house. At that rate, I'd never find a house before the $8k credit is up. It turns out, though, I did. There was so much drama over it, it seems. But things are falling into place.

It all started a week ago Wednesday. I was able to sneak out of work half an early since my senior had to go to Meet the Firms. :) I saw the house, dreamed of it that night - and the next day got a call from my realtor saying the house had no offers on it because you could only go conventional since it needs a new roof. I heard of this on Thursday afternoon. I wanted to submit the offer on Friday but because I work so much I wasn't able to complete the paperwork before Friday afternoon. So it spilled over to Saturday. My realtor is awesome & met up with me at 8pm on Saturday night in her office. I brought her a cupcake from Sprinkles in Winter Park to thank her for her trouble & also to say "Happy Birthday" since her birthday had just passed. On Saturday, I was so excited that I lost my appetite. This is AFTER I jogged & sped walked six miles. It was crazy. So Sunday goes by & so does Monday - all the while I'm so excited and hopeful over my house. Then Tuesday comes. I receive a call from my realtor at 9am. She left a voicemail... And somehow I just knew this was going to be bad news. I dreaded listening to the voicemail but I did. And the use of phone time put me in the dog house with my senior... Which was so awesome. >:I I found out that the house, which was owned by the bank - was listed with a realty company for 60 days. When those 60 days expired - it went to a different company in hopes that it would have a better chance in selling if it switched sellers. So, basically - this happened over the weekend & my offer was sent to the former realtors of the property. On Tuesday, there were numerous offers on the property because they dropped the price a few grand & accepted FHA offers. I freaked out. I offer $16k more than the asking price.

Today I got the email from my realtor. I was the winning offer - paying over 16k more for the house & going conventional apparently made me the strongest offer :) Well, in the body of the email said "Don't get excited yet - the deal isn't for sure". Why? Well the bank that owns my house was considering doing an auction for the property. So it was imperative to send in the paperwork TODAY (Friday) before the bank closed - that way they would not proceed (and succeed) at having an auction on the property. I sent in my papers & check but was so afraid. I work at banks - and this is the eve of a three day weekend.... So everyone at the bank today was already on holiday mentally. I called the realtor on the bank's side (since I saw her number from a forwarded email to me from my realtor) to try & push her to call the bank. While she was explaining to me that she couldn't do a thing but wait - she stopped. "Oh wait ... is this for the property on..."? At first I was thinking, "fuck.... she thinks she's talking to someone else" - but then I heard her say "I just got it right here - at 4:47. Your offer is being executed. I JUST received this email from the bank while we were talking". Well, I fucking shouted, I was so happy. I'd have to say - that was the best start to my three day weekend. Kevin has been trying to take me out to dinner to celebrate my job - but I told him "you can take me out when I get a house"... So tonight we went to Ruth's Chris Steakhouse. :) I'm happy as a clam.

Here's hoping my happy energy flows your way. I hope you are feeling it, too <3

3 bitemarks| bite me

She was not like other girls, other girls... [09 Jul 2009|01:41pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

Last night I couldn't sleep. I laid in bed, obsessing over plans and mental maps of where to go and what to do next with my life. I want so badly to get a well paying job (considering that I have my masters), buy a house this year and get the fuck out of this hellhole with these crazy negative people. It is killing me.

I need to apply for jobs at the same time as search for houses. I want my job to be relatively close to my house (being that I would like to save money on gas as well as avoid paying $10 in tolls each day).

There are several predicaments in this situation. I'm dying to have my own place - and by "my own" I mean - my very own place. I know it would be financially sound to have a roommate but it seems that most people don't respect stuff that isn't theirs (some people don't even take care of their own things, regardless of how nice they are) - and if I buy a house, I would want it to be kept nice for years to come. I'd be horrendously picky for a roommate, anyhow. Not like it matters, though. Virtually all my friends live with their boyfriends. And Kevin is not an option at this point in time because he has moved home to pay off his student loans & such so we can start anew when we get married. I have saved up a chunk of change from about six years of serving - so I do have a down payment ready.

I can't sleep when I think about it. I just want to do it, immediately. I was thinking last night that I'd put my desk and bookshelves into the makeshift den with my laptop. Perhaps the tv & dvd player in the family room with some bean bags or something quite hippie until I can afford a couch. And my bed, dresser & night stands would go into the bedroom. All of these things are currently crammed into my tiny room right now lol. I could take Kevin's plates from his apartment and his silverware since he currently isn't using them & he will be there eventually, anyhow. Ugh. I get so excited thinking about it... Damnit.

Could I take on a mortgage by myself?

I think living by myself is exactly what I need at this point. Time to myself - space, quiet when I need it to be, noisy otherwise. I need my own space without the corruption of negative energy from family members. I need no one else to fuck with my shit - borrow without asking & break stuff like my brother has done as recently as about two months ago.

Another predicament is that I can't find a house until a find a job - but after I get a job I won't be able to find a house since I will be working during the week days. The last predicament is the time limit: I want the eight thousand dollar credit for buying a house this year. I was thinking about a townhouse even, but I think I want my own backyard and a two car garage - and I'd like to avoid the hassle of noisiness from my neighbor or me.

When I think of this - I can hardly breathe. It's like I'm holding my breath with excitement.

I just happened to stumble upon this song - which I didn't think would be familiar to me but, as it turns out, I have a vivid memory of Ben playing this in his car one day while we were running errands - driving around on a cool day with the windows down. It reminds me of a more carefree time - I think it was just the day or just my youth, or my naivete. I look forward to having more of those blissful moments while moving into my own place.

I'm off to search for jobs. Wish me luck !

12 bitemarks| bite me

Vertigo [09 Jun 2009|02:29pm]
Lately, I've been cleaning areas of my room that I have not touched for a few years. Wow, what a trip it is.

I have found artifacts of my best and worst times with Ben. I read the letter that I wrote him after he cheated on me for the last time... Or second to the last time. He was such a sack of shit. Looking at the pieces of my past with him, I feel that the bad far outweighed the good. I don't know why I couldn't see it at the time. I was drunk on infatuation that lasted just over three years.

Another thing that blows my mind - the great guys I trashed for Ben. I dated some of the nicest boys & I fled from them. They were really attractive, too. I realize my fear now: they liked me more than I like them. Because of this, I knew I was more likely to break their hearts rather than vice versa. I also ditched them because I was blinded by Ben's light, aka because of my stupidity. I didn't realize how much I hurt them or broke their hearts, anyway - since I left them for Ben. (For those of you who don't know, Ben & I were on & off the rocks relationship-wise. Also, we went through a period of inexclusiveness, where I dated the nice boys). There are three guys I dated that I think about in particular: Michael, Marc and Garin. I feel particularly bad about Garin. He adored me - said he wanted to make me his lady. He bought me coloring books for my plane ride to Colorado, wrote me the sweetest cards and also bought me U2's "How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb" because the song "Vertigo" explained the rush of emotions I inspired in him. He was genuine. He poured out all his feelings to me and I bailed - for Ben. I felt terrible. I feel worse now when I look back. I was only with him for the time that Ben & I had separated. He knew that, too. I wouldn't feel bad if he was just some guy trying to get laid but he truly cared about me. I never slept with any of the three guys that I blew off for Ben. Although, I was afraid Michael & Marc were only after sex seeing as they were both 5 years older than me. Later, I'd realize that age doesn't matter when it comes to which men just want to use you. Ben was only two years older than me and I think he was the one I should have been worrying about the most.

About two years ago, I messaged Garin on myspace (the only way I knew how to get in touch with him) with a sincere apology. I honestly wish the best for him & hope he really believes me. I hate the fact that the guys I feared would use me, I ended up using them - as a distraction for my attraction to Ben.

To this day, no matter where I am, when I hear Vertigo - I turn seven shades of red & sink into my shoes. I am such a bitch.
5 bitemarks| bite me

Not the mama!! [01 Jun 2009|09:57pm]
[ mood | pensive ]

A year ago today I realized that I don't want to have kids.

It was the day before my mom's birthday - we went to Mount Dora to take a stained glass jewelry class. On the way back, in the car, something just sprung the question "why do people have kids?". We met up with my brother and dad that day at Sweet Tomatoes and I asked my parents, point blank, why do people have kids? They seemed to sputter around and search for reasons to give me an answer - but none of them really held up. To change the world? Well, I plan on being a college professor & I do plan on impacting the lives of many before I die through the work I do both in the classroom and through my research.

Later that afternoon, I had to go into work. I called Kevin on the way to work and told him that if we are going to get married – he should know that I don’t think I want kids. Everyone keeps telling me that “when I get older it will change” or “it will change when you have your own”. Interestingly enough, my intolerance for the presence of kids has only gotten worse as I have gotten older (we can probably thank serving for that). As for this maternal instinct popping up once I have a kid…that just sounds risky. Both my mom and grandma are rather awkward or detached mothers from time to time. This just goes to show: not all mothers have that maternal instinct. (Case & point: Casey Anthony)

Luckily, Kevin feels the same as I do. It took some getting used to. For some time afterward, things would happen and I would think “well, when I have…” and then stop. I only had such thoughts because this country brands you to think marriage + kids = full life. Not everyone will have children. This is my decision. Kevin & I agreed we’d have more time for each other – more free time and money to enjoy our lives and travel. This is not selfish, this is our choice.

In this past year, I have often wondered why I am the way I am about kids. I feel awkward around them and emotionally detached. I do not find silly things done or said to be terribly cute like other women do. I feel sometimes that I am lacking something that everyone else has. I wonder why – maybe it is because my parents are emotionally isolated from me or because I never had a pet growing up. Maybe having a pet and watching it grow would have given me the feeling of parenting that I needed to be a good parent. Neither Kevin or I had a pet – though his family did feed a stray that he called Tony since it looked like Tony the tiger which he considers to have been his pet.

This past week, I went to the gynecologist for a checkup – and the waiting room was full of pregnant women (since my doctor deliveries babies as well). They all seem so happy. I feel sad that I will never understand that. Once inside the actual office, I waited for my doctor – and looked at the pictures of families and babies tacked to the wall. Families with such warmth. Photos of children like “Kyle is now 3 years old!” that my doctor delivered. Family Christmas photos and other momentous holidays. And a speck of sadness creeps into me because I wonder what that would feel like – when I get to the age that all my friends have kids and I’m not going to be able to see them for drinks on Friday because they can’t find a sitter. I suppose it will feel like missing a plane that all my friends were on. It makes me wonder if I will get lonely or regret my decision. And the photos – the families seem to be so content. For the past year, I have deduced (whether false or not, it is how I feel – sorry if this offends you) that a lot of couples only have kids so there is someone to care for them when they are old; kind of like returning the favor. This past week I wondered if there was more to it. I guess there must be – and the reason why I can’t fully grasp this is the exact reason why I shouldn’t have kids. I’m not etching anything into stone – but if nothing changes with how Kevin or I feel, then it definitely won’t happen. There is still time for us to grow and realize that we may feel as though we want them or desire for children to be part of our lives. However, if we did decide that – I have kind of decided adoption would be the way to go, should that happen.

16 bitemarks| bite me

Sundresses. [07 May 2009|08:11pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

Fights galore. Everyone cannot stand anyone.

My better half just asked me about one thing that I like about him - because I apparently harp on him for "so many things" that I wish he'd change. In reality, there are three (somewhat major) areas I wish he would evolve/grow past. However, since he never really tries all too hard to change any of the three - they are brought up from time to time which may seem like a lot to him. I just want him to grow as a person/to evolve into something better. Everyday I strive to change myself for the better - and if someone pointed out a weakness of mine that should be focused on, I would appreciate the help in reforming for the better. I only tell him about these areas because I care about him. Yet all he seems to get out of it is criticism. It does not matter that I try to do it in a constructive way. There is no such thing as constructive with him - he's so sensitive to anything I say.

I'm off to the gym, again. Tomorrow is going to be a nice day: I have planned another trip to the gym in the morning, followed by a hot stone massage, followed by a shower & nap - then followed by a graduation party at Howl at the Moon. I'm stoked about the four new dresses I bought... And I cannot wait to wear them. (It took me hours to find these - that is not an exaggeration in the slightest)

Saturday I will graduate with my masters !! :) Woot!

Sunday is Mother's Day <3

And Monday I depart from this brick of land on the cruise :) I need a vacation - this semester was horrible with stress.

4 bitemarks| bite me

It is good to question, right? [01 May 2009|01:19am]
Lately, I've been embracing the music of some talented women's music from the 60's/70's. My new found pleasures are those of Joni Mitchell & Phoebe Snow. I know I say this often - but I wish I lived back then. Everything just seemed to have so much more soul with the movement - and musicians had so much more talent.

Some recent developments in my friend's worlds have left me wondering... Is it good to question what you want from life from time to time? Does it not mean that you still want it? It is normal? It is funny that sometimes people see me as being so perfect in my life - when a lot of times I may be flying by the seat of my pants. Don't get me wrong - I know how to plan and how to prioritize... But there are a lot of things I don't know.

In a week I graduate with my masters. It will be a very happy moment for me... Yet what follows it is uncertainty. I know it will all work out... Life is responding to changes and finding ways to work things out. Just keep a level head & eventually you'll find your path.

I guess this is just a reminder to those out there who think of themselves as lost. We are all lost to some degree - and even those of us to appear to have it "all together", we don't. So don't be discouraged. You're not alone.
3 bitemarks| bite me

Will you take me as I am? [21 Apr 2009|12:36pm]
I have been in a good mood lately - it is amazing how much stress impacts a person's mood.

In less than three weeks I'll be graduating with my masters. My work for the semester is dwindling down to one last presentation (of 45 minutes, but at least this one I have group members) and two more papers. I have a lot to look forward to- a hot stone massage the day before my graduation, then my graduation (and celebration with my loves), then two days later I will be sailing the high seas on Royal Caribbean to Key West, Cozumel and Belize. What happens after that... who knows. Still no word back from the PhD program (UCF has already made its selection for the program - I waited too long to take my GMAT again. Whether or not I have a chance simply depends on if anyone who received acceptance says no because they were accepted somewhere else. Worse case scenario, I get a big kid job, get more experience and get my CPA license - and apply again in 2011 as a better candidate, since they want CPA's with experience for the PhD program.)

Things with Kevin have been really, really good lately. I said some shitty things last Tuesday/Wednesday & things have been worked out with my problems since the last post. I'm so happy with him. I really feel that the more time we spend together - the better our relationship gets. He is so great - and I hate myself for not having appreciated him like I should. I'm totally changing that so I show him more often just how much I love him. Sometimes I just take in the moment & think how happy I am to have him/to be marrying him. Last night I felt so content. We went to this place Bayside Sushi in Longwood - it looks like a hole in the wall place but it is actually pretty cute inside. They had all you can eat sushi; you pick out the rolls you want & they make them for you (none of that nasty, been sitting under a lamp sushi like at crazy buffet). It was delicious & only $20 a person. Between us we had ten rolls and one piece of sushimi, two bowls of miso soup and two ginger salads - which came to $44. Great deal :) Even though they don't have brown rice, like Kevin & I usually get, it was still really delicious. Afterward, we went to the House of Hookah - Winter Park's only hookah bar. It was our first time at a hookah bar & we enjoyed it. We had wanted to meet up with some friends this past weekend at a hookah bar and now we know - it is totally the way to go. A great place to sit and socialize with friends - that doesn't involve calories from alcohol, though I do enjoy that from time to time :)

I've been listening to a lot of Joni Mitchell lately. Her music from the sixties... It just is a perfect representation of the spirit that was alive back then. I wish I was alive back then. Beautiful voice & music - many of my favorite artists were inspired by her like Led Zeppelin (who wrote "Going to California" about the song I'm playing right now), Maynard (from Tool/A Perfect Circle), and other artists like Tori Amos, Alanis Morissette, Björk, Stevie Nicks, Jeff Buckley, Clannad, Elvis Costello, Dan Fogelberg, Janet Jackson, Maynard James Keenan (Tool), Cyndi Lauper, Annie Lennox, Madonna, Chan Marshall (Cat Power), George Michael, Morrissey, Juice Newton, Conor Oberst, Prince, The Roots, Roxette, Shakira, The Sundays, Fiona Apple, Holly Brook, and KT Tunstall. (I copied & pasted that from wikipedia, lol)

To everyone reading this - I sending love to you all :) At times like this, when my head is clear from the pressures of stress, I think of everyone in my life & how I am so thankful for all of you & your impacts on me :)

Peace & Love.
4 bitemarks| bite me

nine one one [10 Feb 2009|08:59pm]
[ mood | distressed ]

I need a miracle.

bite me

Fiancee [20 Dec 2008|07:17pm]
[ mood | loved ]

I am engaged, officially.

It happened on the cruise to the Bahamas - on the back of the ship at night. He got down on one knee. He told me he's never met anyone like me & he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. It was a beautiful moment. It was perfect. To add to the magic of the evening - we went to the Schooner lounge (where there is a live pianist playing) to have champagne to celebrate. As we were walking in I told Kevin that I wanted to request "Moondance" by Van Morrison because it is my in-love song. We sat down and immediately a server came over to take our drink order.... And JUST as we ordered the champagne, the beginning of Moondance started playing. I was near tears at the fate of perfect timing.

Once I got home, I told my parents - and when I told my mom the date that he proposed on - she broke down in tears. It was the same day that my grandparents met each other. My grandfather, who passed on in 2003 from cancer, said that he fell in love with her on that day. My mom told me that my grandfather was there with us on that special night & I cried again. That helps explain why the evening was so magical.

Wishing everyone who reads this the brightest of smiles and the warmest of hugs,
The Happiest of Fiancees

6 bitemarks| bite me

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