Porcelina of the Vast Oceans (misskittykat) wrote,
Porcelina of the Vast Oceans

  • Music:


Lately, I've been cleaning areas of my room that I have not touched for a few years. Wow, what a trip it is.

I have found artifacts of my best and worst times with Ben. I read the letter that I wrote him after he cheated on me for the last time... Or second to the last time. He was such a sack of shit. Looking at the pieces of my past with him, I feel that the bad far outweighed the good. I don't know why I couldn't see it at the time. I was drunk on infatuation that lasted just over three years.

Another thing that blows my mind - the great guys I trashed for Ben. I dated some of the nicest boys & I fled from them. They were really attractive, too. I realize my fear now: they liked me more than I like them. Because of this, I knew I was more likely to break their hearts rather than vice versa. I also ditched them because I was blinded by Ben's light, aka because of my stupidity. I didn't realize how much I hurt them or broke their hearts, anyway - since I left them for Ben. (For those of you who don't know, Ben & I were on & off the rocks relationship-wise. Also, we went through a period of inexclusiveness, where I dated the nice boys). There are three guys I dated that I think about in particular: Michael, Marc and Garin. I feel particularly bad about Garin. He adored me - said he wanted to make me his lady. He bought me coloring books for my plane ride to Colorado, wrote me the sweetest cards and also bought me U2's "How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb" because the song "Vertigo" explained the rush of emotions I inspired in him. He was genuine. He poured out all his feelings to me and I bailed - for Ben. I felt terrible. I feel worse now when I look back. I was only with him for the time that Ben & I had separated. He knew that, too. I wouldn't feel bad if he was just some guy trying to get laid but he truly cared about me. I never slept with any of the three guys that I blew off for Ben. Although, I was afraid Michael & Marc were only after sex seeing as they were both 5 years older than me. Later, I'd realize that age doesn't matter when it comes to which men just want to use you. Ben was only two years older than me and I think he was the one I should have been worrying about the most.

About two years ago, I messaged Garin on myspace (the only way I knew how to get in touch with him) with a sincere apology. I honestly wish the best for him & hope he really believes me. I hate the fact that the guys I feared would use me, I ended up using them - as a distraction for my attraction to Ben.

To this day, no matter where I am, when I hear Vertigo - I turn seven shades of red & sink into my shoes. I am such a bitch.
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